When all is said and done, what do you wish you had said and done?

Without producing new content, being innovative and churning out new orders and designs, you become obsolete. Perhaps you remain frozen in the past. But what good is that? Don’t you want to be as many things as possible so that when you do finally end your life in this dimension the imprint you left on the world won’t be bland but mind shaping?

Dear Jack arrived today in my mail box. I put it in my computer and settled back to take it in with a box of kleenex and a blanket.

The interviews he conducted with himself were so candid and his explanation on the band name is heartbreaking. Ever since 2005 his voice has only evolved to a better souniding creation. He's only 22 in this DVD. That's so young and he is so talented and brave and had already had an amazing career with Something Corporate.

The tears first started when he started to shave his hair off and he's talking about a dream he had the night before and how he expects only his closest friends to be there in the end when he finally beats the cancer.

I love the interviews with his family and the old family photos that are dispersed throughout the movie. I started crying when Kelly, his girlfriend, is talking and his journal entrys depicting how much he misses her are flashing on the screen and they're talking about how incomplete they feel without each other. Then of course it doesn't help my crying when the next scene is the two of them curled up in a hospital bed after he just had a chemo treatment and he can't kiss her becausee, in his words, "has the chemo in me". And he says that so casually and then he says it again slower and you can see the meaning of that sort of sink into him and he stares off into space and his eyes go glassy. And then he takes a lint roller and rubs it against his head and his hair just falls out on to it and that just seems so tragic. From that point on, whenever his sister or girlfriend talks I start to cry even harder.

One of the saddest parts is when his mom says, "Some of those days I looked at him and i thought, 'You will never be standing on that piano again, screaming at those kids, holding out that microphone.'"

I currently have 1,013 words. I need at least 654 more to be done for the day. And I have to write a western civ ap essay. Eek.

I bought the perfect journal suited for me yesterday. It is this gorgeous shade of not quite pink yet defininetly not red and I love it. It is the first installment in my Year 16 book. I am journaling every day because I need to. I need to keep steady and to remember. It's amazing to see what things you write about again and again when they are set on paper. You really see what is important to you because you will continue to write about them again and again. I am so so so happy that I used buzznet as a journal for months and months because preserving all the things I wrote (in the last few years) is something that is very dear to me. I am thankful.

So many things make me cry. I cry everyday over the exquiste way life works. Someone's smile will set me off. The way leaves look against the pattern of the sky will cause my chest to seize and my heart to constrict. I cry every time someone takes a step away from their normal path, every brave deviation to become a better person, every time they put themselves out on a limb for a chance of receiving something more than what they are getting from life. And I'm okay with that. I get so emotional over everything. Because I chose to believe everything can be and is important. I chose to appreciate life so very much. That is why I am a vegetarian. Because I respect life too much to even dare to believe I have the right to take it away from another breathing creature for my own benefit. Everyone deserves to live for as long as possible and taking that away from some other living creature is a terrible crime I believe.

After months I am finally able to forgive my father for the way he acted and to be nice to the person he is today after his strokes. I have accepted that he is a changed person. I can finally understand why my mom said I would alter my opinion eventually. I do not regret how I acted towards him while I was on the path to this new mindset because I was justified. But now I can finally understand and forgive. It feels good.

I haven't used buzznet in so long it seems like I won't be able to go back to what I once was. I accept that. Nothing can ever be what it once was. We have all changed so much. I can't keep up with everyone. I want to make personal connections. I miss you guys. I miss how it used to be but I'm not upset that we've progressed. I'm happy about who I am. Are you?

July 25 will be the 2-and-a-half-year mark of me being on buzznet. That will mean that I have been a member of buzznet for about 1/8 of my life, which is a weird thought but not so much when put in perspective. But in a way it's not that long considering I've been friends with most of my good school friends for 2 years at the very least and 10 at the most. I don't make fairweather friends. When I make a connection I keep it for years and years.

I haven't been on buzznet for 2 months and before that my visits started to get spaztic while my father was in the hospital. All I can say is that I'm thankful I found buzznet when I did and that I made the friends I did, especially the ones I still talk to through other sites like facebook or texting, because without them the past 2 years running in and out of ICU and dealing with all that would have even more terrible.

Part of me wants to start a new account just so I can have a blank slate. But I like my history here for the most part. We had a good, fun run. I wish I was the kind of person who could put everything on private but I'm not right now. So hullo hullo everyone. How have you been? Whats been bothering you lately or making you happy?

July to me has been -

flowers around the house, sun dresses, using cute bottles as vases, keeping my windows open and staying warm under blankets, feet hanging out of the corner of your bed, having "adult" conversations with friends, rain storms at night, informative websites, cute rugs, drawers and storing things neatly in them, sitting on the floor, sweeping the barn, hot air balloons, jet planes, coping, ligaments, mint, sparklers, the library, gold patterned fabric, fluffy bunnies, sweats hanging off your hips, eating cheese, sunglasses, bubbles, the beach, lilies in bloom, long shining hair, tanning, painted toe nails, headbands

HashbrownsHashbrowns with cheese and onions!

Why did I cook giant shells?

To make shells stuffed with ricotta cheese of course!

I also made an apple dish but I didn't get a chance to photograph that before we ate it ;]

ok I've kept you here long enough with my boring cooking escapades! /end lame/

I've been cooking and/or baking something everyday while I'm on break and I really love it.

On Friday I baked chocolate chip cookies.

On Saturday I made this except I used real cheese. It was DELICIOUS! Seriously it was so good gahh I want to eat it all the time.

Sunday was Easter so I whipped out some vegan pancakes from this wafffle recipe except I used strawberries instead of blueberries for breakfast.

 

So have you heard? William Beckett is really Johnny Depp? Well according to story in DeLeons new blogcast.

Oh yeah. DeLeon has "jumped on the blog train" (his words not mine) along with Panic (!) At The Disco, Travis McCoy, and William Beckett and many others. Anyways, here is what he has to say on his blog (www.symphonysoldier.com).

So I have done it. I’ve jumped on the blog train, and you my friends are all going to be tied to the tracks. Congratulations to all of the mystical minds who found the site, and who dug a little deeper to find out what the hell was going on with my failed attempts at being super cool and cryptic. Any ways… I have a lot to say. If you know me you probably know a few things. I listen to WAY too much pop music, I have a pretty big forehead, and last but not least…I talk too much. What better way to let out everything I have to say? However, this is also for you. I’ll be doing secret contests, give aways, sneak peaks, and giving you beautiful people opportunities to see, hear, and read things here that you won’t be able to anywhere else. Every Tuesday for the next few months I have decided to write about one song from the album. What it’s about, the story behind it, and my feelings on it. In three months, you know Whisper War in it’s entirety and the stories behind it.

I am Alex DeLeon, and this is my blog. Get on my train before it leaves the station.

Besides the whole "jumping on the train" metaphor (seriously you ARE a writer, no? wth DeLeon) this sounds pretty fun. Bands are really into sharing their creative process these days what with the Cobra Cam and such.

Oh also - I also find it funny when he says "We just got off of a tour with William and Sisky Business from The Academy Is.. (I forgot the third dot in “Is…” Does it matter? William please don’t be offended..I’m just a bit lazier than most)"  because, HELLO dude, you just spent about 10 times more energy pointing out your silly little mistake and then talking about it then it would have actually taken to fix it. Backspace, click the "." button once, move on.

Ahhh..ohhh
Well hello is this thing on
Is anybody listening
A brand new day has begun

The first thing that I want do
Make sure that you feel it too
So Im not the only one

Cmon lift me up its a brand new day
Open up a lil happiness today
So I can be someone new
Cmon and lift me up to a better way
Open up a smile on another face
So I can feel something new

Open up some happiness
Open up some happiness
Open up some happiness

(Travis) Ahem*Ahem* let me clear my throat
So you can hear clearly every word spoke
Today I woke feeling lovely
Happiness overflowin knowin somebody loves me
Just think yesterday I was down and out
Now there's not a single thing for me to frown about
And the same thing can happen to you
Smiling so hard my mouth look like a capital U

I want the sun to shine
All the time
Is that too much to ask
Oh, I want to have some fun
I want all my friends to come
Cause its now or never
Learn the words and sing together

(Janelle Monae) Your heart deserves your trust
A choice made for all of us
The sun will come back tomorrow
Theres a message in a bottle
So come on Ill meet you there
Theres enough sunshine to share
As long as you know
The bridge between us is a rainbow

:D

When they have a surpirse, they have an internet maze organized. This months surprise host is.... THE CAB!

The cryptic messages started when Alex DeLeon posted these to his twitter account.



I took "Read My Skin" as "read my tattoo" so I typed in "Symphony Solider" to google and VOILA!



www.SymphonySolider.com appeared with the message "Read my skin. That's where you'll find me".

It should be noted that the website is a tumblr account. If you have a tumblr you can go to the upper right hand corner and click "follow" to have it's updates appear in your dashboard when/if it is updated.

No music plays, clicking on the page does not link you anywhere, and nothing has changed in the past day.

So far (Feb 1, 2009) that's all that appeared BUT he did say 222009 which I assume is Feb 2, 2009 so the surprise will probably be revealed tomorrow.

EDIT : I'm probably the only one to find this amusing but DeLeon told us to "type his skin" in a new twitter so I typed in "Alex DeLeons skin" and this from a Demi Lovato fan sight popped up.

9…8…7…

We spend our day decomposing and expanding. We wake up and then proceed to get up and get dressed and do something whether it is just sitting on the couch or going to work or school. We breath. Sometimes we eat.

5…6…7…

We come home. We feel at least one emotion. Some of us think, “I just can’t wait for this to be over” while others say, “I never want this moment to stop.” But it does no matter what. In some way it ends. It continues and takes on a new shape.

6…5…4…

I find it emmennsly amusing that we always work to get back to normal. We regulate our emotions. “Can’t be too happy! Too sad!” Too anything! I hate that! Why can’t we ride the highs and appreciate the lows as they come?! Why do people always gravitate towards even and easy?

3…4…3…

And then some of us repeat. Some of us stop. We softly exhale our last breath or go out in a blinding flash. Others pick up right where you left off. Younger lungs and newfound sight but still the same circles.

2…1…0…

This is a serious question that you should have to think about. Or shouldn't have to if it's all you think of, the plague that keep you up at night. If you're like me and you perch on the rocks near the local beach and just stare at the ocean and wonder. But seriously and truly, why do you want to be alive? I think you will earn a lot about yourself if you're honest with yourself.

We are born with this longing, this desire for love. We search for it
even when we are younger. At birth we reach out tiny hands and hope to
feel soft skin against our own. And as we grow up that wish doesn’t
really change. We cross our fingers on shooting stars and soft smiles
and pray when we pass graveyards and the breath is stolen from our
lungs as that one special person looks over at you. When the clock
strikes 11:11 we close our eyes and let every fiber of our being
desperately call out to someone out there and will them to come home.

SCORPIO

2009
Card : VI The Lovers
Stone : Earth
Herb : Turmeric
Animal totem : Buffalo (Sacredness)

The Lovers card indicates 2009 to be a year in which it is vital to strive for harmony while accepting the nature of duality and that duality doesn't have to mean opposition (i.e. inability to coexist). This is a year of choices, when we have to deal with the crossroads in our lives that we are faced with and decide whether we are going to choose to continue to play it safe and take the expected, familiar route or choose to take on the challenges of moving in a different direction, doing things a different way, going in the direction that we know is right even though we don't quite know what it might entail or where we might end up. The choice is yours. But the safe, familiar and easy way will, without fail, bring us around to this crossroads again (and again and again). You may encounter or develop a relationship that seemed destined...the Lovers card indicating a karmic connection that transcends just this lifetime. Do not resist those to whom you are attracted. Seek out the different...engage the opposition...find the centre. Live and thrive with and in ambiguity and contradiction. Engage in emotional intimacy. Express your sexuality. Heal through touch. Maintain a philosophy of oneness. Share.

Earth reminds you that all of your needs and resources are available to you now for the asking. Be sensual. Engage the physical senses. Go outside and commune with the Earth. Remember what the natural world feels like. Be naked. Draw upon the resources you have. Ask for what you need. Don't underestimate what you already possess. Do meditations and exercises for grounding and connecting with the Earth. Get your hands dirty. Play in the snow. Go camping. Sit outside and read or with your computer rather than inside. Now it is the time to undertake the tasks that you have been putting off as too daunting or impossible. What or who you need to do them will be there.

Turmeric is an herb of purification. Mix salt water and turmeric then sprinkle in the area to be purified. Turmeric can also be scattered around the perimeter of an area for protection. Turmeric is also a stimulant and can be added to food in order to boost energy levels and metabolism rates. If you want to get things moving, flowing and circulating, use a bit of turmeric.

Buffalo is your reminder in the coming year about the power of great strength used in a controlled and focused way. Recognise sacredness in every aspect of your life and everyone else's, even in things like unhappiness, anger, failure, etc. Only with proper perspective are you able to truly understand. Honour yourself and others. Respect and take care of your body. Ask for help when needed. Give help when asked. Straighten out your priorities. Make a strong statement. Act with great determination and resolve. When you have the power to make choices and decisions to go in the direction you know you need to go rather than what is safe, easy and familiar, you will empower yourself.