Tryingtofindthewords' Journals

Obsolete

Without producing new content, being innovative and churning out new orders and designs, you become obsolete. Perhaps you remain frozen in the past. But what good is that? Don’t you want to be as many things as possible so that when you do finally end your life in this dimension the imprint you left on the world won’t be bland but mind shaping?

"So I don't forget what it's like to be this ready to fight"

Dear Jack arrived today in my mail box. I put it in my computer and settled back to take it in with a box of kleenex and a blanket.

The interviews he conducted with himself were so candid and his explanation on the band name is heartbreaking. Ever since 2005 his voice has only evolved to a better souniding creation. He's only 22 in this DVD. That's so young and he is so talented and brave and had already had an amazing career with Something Corporate.

The tears first started when he started to shave his hair off and he's talking about a dream he had the night before and how he expects only his closest friends to be there in the end when he finally beats the cancer.

I love the interviews with his family and the old family photos that are dispersed throughout the movie. I started crying when Kelly, his girlfriend, is talking and his journal entrys depicting how much he misses her are flashing on the screen and they're talking about how incomplete they feel without each other. Then of course it doesn't help my crying when the next scene is the two of them curled up in a hospital bed after he just had a chemo treatment and he can't kiss her becausee, in his words, "has the chemo in me". And he says that so casually and then he says it again slower and you can see the meaning of that sort of sink into him and he stares off into space and his eyes go glassy. And then he takes a lint roller and rubs it against his head and his hair just falls out on to it and that just seems so tragic. From that point on, whenever his sister or girlfriend talks I start to cry even harder.

One of the saddest parts is when his mom says, "Some of those days I looked at him and i thought, 'You will never be standing on that piano again, screaming at those kids, holding out that microphone.'"

NaNoWriMo started today

I currently have 1,013 words. I need at least 654 more to be done for the day. And I have to write a western civ ap essay. Eek.

Day 2/365 in Year 16

I bought the perfect journal suited for me yesterday. It is this gorgeous shade of not quite pink yet defininetly not red and I love it. It is the first installment in my Year 16 book. I am journaling every day because I need to. I need to keep steady and to remember. It's amazing to see what things you write about again and again when they are set on paper. You really see what is important to you because you will continue to write about them again and again. I am so so so happy that I used buzznet as a journal for months and months because preserving all the things I wrote (in the last few years) is something that is very dear to me. I am thankful.

So many things make me cry. I cry everyday over the exquiste way life works. Someone's smile will set me off. The way leaves look against the pattern of the sky will cause my chest to seize and my heart to constrict. I cry every time someone takes a step away from their normal path, every brave deviation to become a better person, every time they put themselves out on a limb for a chance of receiving something more than what they are getting from life. And I'm okay with that. I get so emotional over everything. Because I chose to believe everything can be and is important. I chose to appreciate life so very much. That is why I am a vegetarian. Because I respect life too much to even dare to believe I have the right to take it away from another breathing creature for my own benefit. Everyone deserves to live for as long as possible and taking that away from some other living creature is a terrible crime I believe.

Finally, forgiveness.

After months I am finally able to forgive my father for the way he acted and to be nice to the person he is today after his strokes. I have accepted that he is a changed person. I can finally understand why my mom said I would alter my opinion eventually. I do not regret how I acted towards him while I was on the path to this new mindset because I was justified. But now I can finally understand and forgive. It feels good.

Too long?

I haven't used buzznet in so long it seems like I won't be able to go back to what I once was. I accept that. Nothing can ever be what it once was. We have all changed so much. I can't keep up with everyone. I want to make personal connections. I miss you guys. I miss how it used to be but I'm not upset that we've progressed. I'm happy about who I am. Are you?

July 23, 2009

July 25 will be the 2-and-a-half-year mark of me being on buzznet. That will mean that I have been a member of buzznet for about 1/8 of my life, which is a weird thought but not so much when put in perspective. But in a way it's not that long considering I've been friends with most of my good school friends for 2 years at the very least and 10 at the most. I don't make fairweather friends. When I make a connection I keep it for years and years.

I haven't been on buzznet for 2 months and before that my visits started to get spaztic while my father was in the hospital. All I can say is that I'm thankful I found buzznet when I did and that I made the friends I did, especially the ones I still talk to through other sites like facebook or texting, because without them the past 2 years running in and out of ICU and dealing with all that would have even more terrible.

Part of me wants to start a new account just so I can have a blank slate. But I like my history here for the most part. We had a good, fun run. I wish I was the kind of person who could put everything on private but I'm not right now. So hullo hullo everyone. How have you been? Whats been bothering you lately or making you happy?

July to me has been -

flowers around the house, sun dresses, using cute bottles as vases, keeping my windows open and staying warm under blankets, feet hanging out of the corner of your bed, having "adult" conversations with friends, rain storms at night, informative websites, cute rugs, drawers and storing things neatly in them, sitting on the floor, sweeping the barn, hot air balloons, jet planes, coping, ligaments, mint, sparklers, the library, gold patterned fabric, fluffy bunnies, sweats hanging off your hips, eating cheese, sunglasses, bubbles, the beach, lilies in bloom, long shining hair, tanning, painted toe nails, headbands

cooking part 2

HashbrownsHashbrowns with cheese and onions!

Why did I cook giant shells?

To make shells stuffed with ricotta cheese of course!

I also made an apple dish but I didn't get a chance to photograph that before we ate it ;]

ok I've kept you here long enough with my boring cooking escapades! /end lame/

Cooking

I've been cooking and/or baking something everyday while I'm on break and I really love it.

On Friday I baked chocolate chip cookies.

On Saturday I made this except I used real cheese. It was DELICIOUS! Seriously it was so good gahh I want to eat it all the time.

Sunday was Easter so I whipped out some vegan pancakes from this wafffle recipe except I used strawberries instead of blueberries for breakfast.

All you need...

All you need is ONE person to believe in you to..

spur a revolution

decide to follow a dream

start something new

branch off into new land

[ I for one am excited ]